I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am someone who suffers from Depression and Anxiety. It used to be so hard for me to accept or even say, but now I am ready to accept it treat it and move on with my life. One of the most painful aspects of depression and or anxiety is that it can creep up on you in a moment of joy and bring you down so low. Countless times this condition has stolen precious moments of happiness, confidence and triumph from my life.
I spent a large part of my child hood feeling sad and alone. I never knew why I always felt sad as a child. Why I felt like I never fit in or why I felt so alone. I chalked it up to my father passing away from cancer when I was five. I guess I never really got over it. I thought it was normal to be melancholy, to the point that I began preparing myself for failure. Whenever I wanted something I would tell myself I would never achieve it or that I wasn't good enough. Low self-esteem led me to compare myself to others; making me feel worse and worse about myself. I wanted to be beautiful and accepted, so I spent alot of time being a class clown.
Only a few people really understood how I felt. Pep talk after pep talk and still I couldn't shed the predisposed ways of my thinking. "Get over it"! A family member would say. "Do you know how blessed you are?" Yes! I would reply, but my mind just wouldn't let me believe it. I knew there was no reason to be depressed things were not that bad in my life. But what do you do when you wake up sad, spend your day sad and go to sleep sad? I have carried the melancholy with me ever since I can remember. How do you revert your mind into accepting happiness when you have programmed it to accept pain, sadness and failure? I always wanted to be happy and content but, like a computer I was programmed.
I have chosen weeks ago to finally let go of my depression and anxiety; and reprogram my mind into thinking positive. I have realized however that I cannot do it on my own. I have been in denial long enough; but am able to realize that God did not put me here to spend every moment in fear or sadness. I have been in denial, prayed to god, gone to therapists, psychiatrists, and now I am ready to embrace my condition.
Unlike Cancer my illness does not always manifest itself in a physical way. You cannot see the hurt I experience unless I show you or tell you. This however does not take away from the serious of this illness. Just like a cancer patient has to accept his or her illness, I have to do the same. I May suffer with this problem my entire life, but I will not let it define me or my actions any more. It is not my God! It will not ruin me! I have made this choice, it will not be easy, it may still be hard. But that is a part of the beauty of the struggle
Now that I have identified the problem, the next step is how to treat it. Since I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) the options of course are traditional medicines. These Medications are SSRI inhibitors aka anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications. I have gone that route for the past nine months, and though they have helped in some ways, the side effects have far outweighed the good. I do not want to spend another second, minute, hour, or day of my life having suicidal thoughts due to a medication that is supposed to help with depression! (Go Figure!)
Since dealing medically with this illness, I have been appalled at some of the treatment I have received. Today's visit to a local psychiatrist proved that to me once again. After being told I was in the wrong place and really should not be serviced; I was asked why I had not gone to other places. After explaining that I was in a crisis situation, the psychiatrist decided to “help” me. Her help was in telling me: “You will be on medication for the rest of your life", which translated to me "You will never get well". I felt so dejected! How could someone who works with people who suffer with mental ailments be so callous? I however was not surprised. I have been brushed off blamed for my condition and treated less than inferior before by other doctors in the field of general medicine. Why would I think Mental Hygiene would be any different. How many more signs does Allah need to send me? These people have no concern for my well-being. I decided at that point that I had to make a decision and STICK with it. I would either choose holistic medicine, healing through herbs and natural remedies, or I could choose to take chemically altered drugs that may or may not help my problem. Because these medications may cause very unpleasant side effects; I chose to take the holistic route. I would rather put herbs in my body than drugs. If after this I am still unwell than I will resort to traditional medicine; until then I will put my trust in Allah. I know he can CURE any illness. But I have to believe have faith, and be steadfast.
Allah says in the Quran Chapter Thee (The Family of Imran) Verse 200
This verse has done so much to be a cushion for me on days when I fall. I know one of my weaknesses is patience, but to get through a sickness or any test in life you have to be patient. My new motto for myself is “If you don't want to have patience then you'll be on medication.” What this means to me is, If I am not willing to put in the work and be patient with myself, than I can take the easy way out and that is by taking the medications. But If I can stick in for the long haul and be willing to hang in there, I can make it with my faith and reliance in Allah. And Allah knows best.
Ya Allah Make My Journey one of ease, for you make the difficulty if you wish easy. Make this illness a means of cleansing me of sins! Make me turn to you in times of adversity! Make me use the Quran as a means of healing! Continue to bless me with support of my family and friends Ameen! Let my illness be an inspiration not only to me but to others Ameen!
